You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize