she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
