Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
Randomize
