This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
Randomize
