my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
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