i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
What drink are we having for lunch?
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
Randomize
