i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Randomize
