i just realized that we are the poor version of bethenny and jill from real housewives... and I'm jill. this is a 6.5 on the depressing scale
at least we're not in new jersey
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
