so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
