just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Randomize
