you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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