His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Woke up backwards on a recliner
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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