So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
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