my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
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