Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Don't make out with my wife yet
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
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