Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
