I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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