if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
