I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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