you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Randomize
