I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Randomize
