my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Randomize
