they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Randomize
