Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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