my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
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