My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
