I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
