I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
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