We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
