1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
Randomize
