Look at my ENTIRE past
Highly public sexual behavior gross mismanagement of funds socially unaccpetable and radical speech and thought
Might as well have a blog about it at this point
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
Randomize
