Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
That was an excessively violent trivia night
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
