He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
