We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
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