Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize
