I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Randomize
