Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
