I can text with my tongue
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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