I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
