In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Randomize
