My sheets look like a crime scene.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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