Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
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