I could make wine with my vomit
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
