Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
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