just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
