So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
ashley and jimmy are about to have sex on degrassi.... EVERYONES GETTING LAID BUT ME
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Randomize
