you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
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