he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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