i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
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