this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
me + whiskey = a bad person
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
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