Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
my vag is so smooth its legendary
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
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