I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
Randomize
