I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
As shirtless as possible
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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