Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
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you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
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My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
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