I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
Randomize
