ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
she woke up with a sticky ear
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
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