Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
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