My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
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