you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
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